Jonathon 'Impaler' Shakey — 2008's only self-described satanic vampire presidential candidate — is being investigate by the Secret Service for making an unorthodox campaign pledge: if Shaker wins, he promises to drive a stake through George W. Bush's heart.
The Secret Service has paid Mr. Shakey a visit, promoting this comment from the would-be President Vampire:
Sharkey told The Columbia Chronicle about the visit: 'They were telling me, when they were interrogating me, that their job was to protect Bush even after he's out of office. I'm looking at them like, “Oh, you're going to defy me when I become president?”'
Unfortunately, I suspect the Secret Service is right, and that it is not acceptable to pound a three-foot splinter of oak through your predecessor's heart. However, the question as to whether or not a new president can kill ex-presidents has prompted some fascinating debate within the legal community:
But a legal expert is unsure if a case could be made against The Impaler. 'Under the First Amendment, what it boils down to here is whether or not he's a vampire who wants to impale the president,' law professor Neil Richards of Washington University in St. Louis told the Chronicle. 'I guess the question is, if he's a vampire, why is he the one staking people? Shouldn't he want to bite the president and feed on him?' added Richards, describing these questions as 'perhaps further evidence that this is not a true threat.'
'Impaler' Pledges to Impale Bush [Metro]
