Research Shows How a Smile Can Be a Blessing or a Curse

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Since the early 1990s, there has been a significant amount of research looking at the biology of the smile. A 2019 study by Coles, Larsen, and Lench analyzed the results of 138 studies on smiling and concluded that smiling actually affects our brain chemicals and lifts our moods.

What an amazing tool we can all access, right? Well, sure. But, just like many other things in the field of psychology, this great tool can be—and often is—misused and overused, usually completely unconsciously. And when this happens, the positive, helpful effects of your smile can become your enemy.

Diana

Inside my counseling office, my client, Diana, was describing a recent interaction she had with her parents. Her mother was in a serious horseback riding accident and Diana had been assigned most of the caretaking duties to help her mom recover.

Diana told me she was exhausted, both physically and mentally, from taking care of her mother each day. She knew she couldn’t sustain her caretaking duties alone and felt it was unfair no one else in her family was offering assistance. She went to her parents to tell them that she’d be happy to continue caring for her mom as she recovers, but that she needed more support.

“You’re just better at this stuff than me,” Diana’s dad responded absentmindedly. “It won’t be much longer,” her mom chimed in. Then they changed the subject.

“It’s like they don’t want to hear how much this is impacting me… In fact, they’ve never seemed interested in how things affect me. I feel so alone,” Diana said.

As I listened to Diana, I noticed there was something off about the way she told her story. It was making it hard for me to connect and empathize with her experience.

Diana described this hurtful interaction with her parents while smiling, which gave the appearance of being pleased rather than deeply hurt. This may seem strange, but it is actually a common occurrence in my therapy office, especially for those with childhood emotional neglect. For those who grew up in emotion-blind families, smiling acts as a kind of cover to hide their feelings, even from themselves.

Childhood Emotional Neglect and the Comfort of Hiding

Carl Rogers (1959), easily one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century, coined the term “incongruence” to describe when a person's thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations (inner experience) do not match what’s shown outwardly (external experience). It wasn’t that Diana was being insincere. Actually, she was employing a very adaptive coping skill she learned in order to survive in her emotion-free childhood home.

Childhood emotional neglect happens when your parents are relatively unresponsive to your emotional needs. They may, oftentimes unintentionally, treat your emotions as unimportant and unnecessary. This puts you, the emotionally neglected child, in quite a bind. You are forced to push down and cover your emotions since there is no place for them in your family. You learn to hide the core of what makes you who you are: your feelings.

While pushing down your feelings was helpful in the environment you lived in then, it’s not a helpful solution now. Pushed-down emotions never completely go away. It’s like shaking a soda bottle. Each time you stifle a feeling, the soda bottle shakes… and after so much time, the bottle cap is bound to burst from the pressure.

You communicate to others that all is well when you smile. You were taught as an emotionally neglected child that what you feel on the inside is not to be shown on the outside. You learned how to be incongruent.

Discovering What’s Underneath

Diana

I delicately asked Diana if she was aware that she was smiling while telling her story. She seemed confused at first, but as she took a few long seconds to ponder my question, her smile started to dissolve and was replaced with an expression that reflected the genuine hurt she had been trying to avoid.

I had Diana retell the same story about her recent interaction with her parents—this time without smiling. And as she did, her emotions came to life on her face and in her heart. This time when Diana said she felt alone, I felt it with her.

After that, Diana and I had an easier time talking about her feelings of rejection toward her parents. We explored her upbringing, her family, her tendency to push down her emotions, and her feelings of aloneness and shame. “It’s so weird,” Diana said to me at the end of a session. “I never thought I could be smiling to hide my feelings. Even though it’s hard to talk about them, I feel a lot better.”

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Authentic Vs. Forced Feelings

While it may be true that a genuine smile feels good and provides us with connection and a “congruent” experience, it’s also true that an avoidant smile shuts down your inner experience and gives you no chance to actually deal with your pain. It also blocks others from being able to empathize and connect with you.

An incongruent smile causes quite a mismatch in your bodily system. You ignore the important messages your body sends you every time you force a smile. Because of this, you may end up feeling out of touch with who truly you are and how you truly feel.

Over the next few months with Diana, we discovered together that her incongruent responses weren’t just happening in my therapy office; she was smiling as a cover in many of her interactions. When Diana acknowledged and validated her internal experiences, she was able to express herself in a more congruent way in all the corners of her life.

Achieving Congruence

If you grew up with childhood emotional neglect, there’s a chance you are using your smile to hide your true feelings. Every time you do this, you are denying the most central part of who you are: your feelings.

We can all put an end to neglecting our own feelings. Just like Diana, we have the power to identify and change our incongruent responses. Next time you notice yourself smiling, ask yourself this: What am I feeling on the inside? How can I express my invaluable feelings rather than cover them? When you are congruent, what’s happening on the inside fits what you’re showing on the outside. Only then can the real you start shining through.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.